Raising Kids in a Dependent World
6 ways to build curiosity and independence without helicoptering or hustling
You don’t raise resilient kids by rescuing them from every struggle. You raise them by backing off just enough to let them grow.
Dear Independent American Mama,
This week I shared a post on my Instagram that struck a nerve. Maybe because so many of us feel the tension between protecting our kids and preparing them for the real world.
It was called:
“6 Ways to Help Your Kid Build Independence and Curiosity”
…and it broke down a few simple, powerful steps, we as parents can take to help them on their journey. And who knows, maybe we will learn a thing or two for ourselves.
But behind the tips is something deeper I want to say here:
We are raising humans.
Not just “kids who behave well in public.”
Not just “kids who don’t make messes.”
But future adults who know how to think, to try, to fail, to recover, and ask, wonder, and most importantly…believe.
So how do we help them grow?
It starts with just a small step! Just one is all it takes to start a ripple.
🟤 Letting them struggle a little instead of jumping in
Have you ever left the house for a few hours, to come home and find out that NO ONE did anything productive, in fact it got worse, no one fed themselves, no one did chores, and the only response was always pointing at YOU?! Like you had the solution and took it with you when you left. Yeah… this one may be for you!
When we let them struggle a little, instead of jumping in, we build something in our children, called Self-Trust. Which allows them to feel capable of doing hard things on their own.
I have dealt with the child who can’t lift the garbage bag out of the trash can, and carry it to the sidewalk. And the child who can’t touch the dirty dish water to clean his dishes. I’ve also dealt with the child who can’t find matching socks as we’re about to head out the door.
Though it used to be my first response to jump in and save them. Not because i believed they needed rescuing, but because I was so tired, I chose between a whining, upset, struggling child, and a quick mom-fix to get back to what I was doing. And then, the solution was obvious.
I was so consumed in being a peacekeeper, and not a peacemaker.
I just wanted everything to be solved and over with, so the day can continue without struggle. But as my kids got older, I started to see the problems with how I was rescuing my children. I wasn’t allowing them to struggle enough, to understand that if mom wasn’t around, things could still get done.
🟤 Saying “let’s find out” instead of giving answers
We’re so used to answering everything instantly.
Probably (at least some of the time) for the same reason above. To get the conversation over with. We are human to, we have stress and burdens and our own problems and questions.
And sometimes, when we are over-stimulated, and our kids come to us with a question, it can be SO easy to jump in and answer it quickly, so we can get back to our focused task. But we just taught them, that Mom has the answers. So the next question I have, I’m going to go ask mom again! And then they return. And then the cycle of over-stimulation repeats, and your child becomes the target of a blow out of emotions or stress. Ugh! What a domino effect!
Helping our children FIND the answers to their questions, teaches them that they can research, learn, and grow independently of mom and dad. The things that they are curious about, they have the chance to learn.
It also tells them, that they don’t need to know it all, they just need to be open to learning.
🟤 Offering open-ended play instead of overly stimulating toys
Toys that sing, light up, and do it all? Those are SO FUN!
They often leave kids as what some would call zombified. Stay with me.
They may be absorbing everything that it’s doing. The games, movies, those light up toys that sing the abc’s for a toddler, those are So cool, but either that toddler gets over it within just minutes, or your pre-teen gets so consumed with the game, that they start to get overwhelmed with anything other than that game. Battery dies, there’s a problem. Mom asked him to help his sister, cue the tantrum. Or this one… You ask him to set the table for dinner, and it goes through one ear, he says “okay” and it goes out the other side, and there is no retention. It’s back to the game and in 15 minutes, you’re confused as to why he never set the table.
But open-ended toys:
blocks, sticks, art supplies, masks & dress-up clothes, all require imagination.
And when kids direct the play, their brains stay active, not just entertained. So the question “Hey can you set the table?” gets an immediate response and usually within seconds, they jump up and do the task.
Fewer tantrums, less problems, and application.
🟤 Giving them safe choices to build real confidence
Autonomy doesn’t start at 18, when society calls them an adult.
It starts when your toddler picks between two snacks, different colored plates, and what sippy cup to use. Your 5-year-old chooses their outfit, or your tween helps plan dinner and prepare it.
Every small choice is practice for bigger ones later in their life.
Confidence grows through the practice and experience, not just praise alone.
When you allow your kids to make their own choices, it is massively important to teach them the natural good and bad consequences of each decision.
If they wear a snow suit to the park in August, they may look cool, but they will start sweating quicker, and could be miserable.
If they eat cookies and chips for lunch instead of a sandwich and veggies, they may enjoy it, and it would taste really good, but they may also experience a stomach ache and not feel good by dinner time.
And for the bigger choices…. If someone is bullying you, and you choose to tell an adult, you may have been labeled as a snitch and a mama’s boy, but you have stopped the bully from hurting you and others.
Every choice has a consequence, and teaching these things to your children creates a safe environment for them to tread in making their own choices.
🟤 Staying curious with them
This is where I believe we can learn so much from our children.
Kids ask a lot of questions.
And sometimes, the best way to build connection is to stop explaining and start wondering with them.
When they see us light up with curiosity too, it tells them: curiosity isn’t just for kids.
I know when my parents were teaching us, It was SO cool seeing them learn along side us. Even when they knew the answer, they experimented with us. It grew a bond in us, and that is what I want to make sure happens with my own children.
You make yourself more relatable to your kids, and they feel safe around you. You are more approachable, and safety= connection = communication.
You get to understand your children more. They will tell you their crazy stories, their experiences, and you won’t raise them from the dark side of the moon, not knowing what they’re struggling with, going through, dealing with.
You get to go along the journey with them, and they will KNOW that Home is the safest place on earth. And its the safest place to make mistakes.
🟤 Letting boredom happen, and seeing what unfolds
Boredom isn’t a problem. It’s a gateway.
When kids get bored, their brains start to reach further. That’s where creativity, innovation, and internal motivation live.
If we rush to fill the space every time they’re bored, we rob them of the chance to invent something new.
We are wanting to raise more independent children, We have to allow them the space to fill space on their own.
This ties in a lot to “Letting them struggle a little” because if we save them from their boredom every single time, they will not learn how to fill that weird void by themselves.
It may take them a minute, maybe even an hour or two. But when allowed the space, and without promise of being rescued by mama, they will enter into a new level of thinking, that expands not only their imagination, but it will engage different parts of their brain that will help them in relationships, communication, health choices, etc. It’s Literally a Gateway for reaching higher goals in life and growing into a healthy independent adult.
In The End
These aren’t hacks, they’re parenting mindset shifts.
They say: I believe in who you’re becoming, and I’m here to guide you.
And that belief shows up in everything, from how we talk to our babies, to how we listen to our teenagers! (I’m just now getting to this stage myself)
Real talk, mama to mama:
If you’ve ever been side-eyed for the way you parent...
If you've ever been called “extra” for turning down a screen...
If you’ve ever wondered if it would just be easier to blend in...
You’re not alone.
You're building something different.
And different takes a lot of determination.
See you Wednesday!
With Love,
Rianna Mysliwiec
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